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No more answers to your messages or calls. An absolute silence on social networks. You were in a couple, and from one day to the next, your partner of a few days, weeks or months does not give any more news? He/she seems to have disappeared from your life? You are probably a victim of ghosting, a growing phenomenon. What is this new and not very delicate practice in the 2.0 love relationships? What does it mean to be ghosted? Can a ghoster come back? In this post, we explain everything you need to know about ghosting.
Ghosting: What It Means ?
Ghosting is the fact of abruptly interrupting a relationship and disappearing from the other person’s life without explanation. The expression comes from the word “ghost”.
If this method of breaking up is cruel, it is also more and more frequent. Especially since the advent of social networks such as Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. With the popularization of dating via applications (Tinder, Meetic, Once, etc.), and the consumerism of relationships, the phenomenon is growing. You find a profile that interests you, you match, and the dates go well. You start a relationship that lasts several weeks, when, without any signs of separation, your partner disappears, and literally erases you from his digital life. He broke up with you. But without telling you! His only silence is supposed to make you understand that your love story is over.
In fact, ghosting is a very bad attitude, considered rude, indelicate, impolite, insulting, even inhuman. Doesn’t the person being ghosted deserve an explanation? Is it culturally acceptable to let someone down, with whom one has shared a certain degree of intimacy, without a word? Ghosting or the art of getting rid of people without warning.
Why does the ghoster want to disappear from your life?
Indifference? Cowardice? Lack of empathy? A ghoster is most often thought of as someone who lacks consideration. This behavior is driven by a simple mechanism: your partner “ghosts” you because he or she wants to avoid the confrontation and justification phase. While some ghosters are completely uninterested in their partner’s emotions, others simply don’t want to have to deal with their partner’s sadness. So they don’t bother with the breakup.
By conscience, some defend themselves: they are afraid to hurt the other person. But generally, the followers of ghosting do not feel guilty to let go of a person they do not know or little. They completely assume this practice which is becoming commonplace.
However, the term ghosting can reveal other facets. Defensive ghosting defines a person who ends a relationship to protect himself or herself, when he or she is too dependent on his or her partner. Offensive ghosting, on the other hand, is a perversely manipulative behavior: your partner is either trying to get your attention (and will not ghost you for long), or to hurt you by ignoring you, or to escape responsibility.
What are the signs that you are being ghosted?
Do you have any doubts? Is your partner ghosting you? A few clues can give you an idea of what to look for. Generally speaking, if you can no longer reach him from one day to the next and he is neither dead nor ill: there is little doubt that he is ghosting you. If you systematically get his voice mail. If he doesn’t answer you at all, no matter how you contact him. If, on networks, like Instagram, your private messages remain unread. If your partner seemed basically uninvested in your relationship (e.g. you never went to his or her apartment, he or she didn’t talk to you about his or her loved ones or likes). When little bonding and connection has been created in your relationship, it will be all the easier for your crush to disappear into thin air.
How to react when you are ghosted?
Very often, when one is ghosted, one feels guilty, and one tries to understand why the other does not answer us any more. One seeks an explanation with all the questions left without answer. Why did the person you were in a relationship with decide to cut it off? What did you do wrong? Is it your fault?
For the ghosted person, this “non-breakup” is still very brutal. Ghosting is considered a modern form of psychological violence. Difficult to live with and to bear, it can bring back old fears such as those of abandonment or death. Moreover, it makes you more vulnerable. Beyond the simple disinterest and the indelicacy of the ghost, a ghosted person can question himself and doubt himself. Lack of self-confidence, feelings of rejection, shame, uncertainties and fears in future relationships, the effects can be devastating on their future love life.
To get out of this deleterious spiral, it is important for the ghosted person to put an end to the relationship herself. First of all, by cutting off all communication with the other person: block them on your phone and on your social networks. Secondly, don’t ask for more explanations (which will remain unanswered anyway). This way, you can protect yourself from the other person’s silence. Finally, externalize your feelings or your resentment: confide in someone close to you, write a letter or a message to the indelicate person (but without sending it to him/her) to verbalize what you feel and not to dwell on it inside yourself. Finally, see the positive side of the end of this story! Could this relationship have led to something beautiful? The answer is no, given the behavior of your former partner.
Can the ghoster come back?
Yes, it is possible. Some ghosters sometimes come back after a few months. They may send a harmless message to reconnect and “test the waters. Especially if they know that you still have feelings for them. There are several reasons why a ghoster may come back: they are lonely, they have no other targets in sight, they have learned that you have moved on and are jealous, they need your help (material, financial or emotional), etc.
Rather than knowing if he can come back, the right question to ask yourself is: is it really desirable for him to come back? And the answer is no. Considering the lack of tact and consideration he had for you, it is likely that he will leave as he came: like a ghost. And he will come back to you when the time comes.
If ghosting is difficult to live with at the time, it can be beneficial by revealing a cowardly personality, which is not ready to commit and which cannot be trusted. A weak foundation for a lasting relationship.